*sometimes*i'm*dreaming* (celestialbliss) wrote,

  • Mood:

and the truth is

that I really, truly, and utterly cannot stand myself. There is so much hatred inside me, and it is for only me. I have hurt several people, however unintentionally, and for my own selfish reasons.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself, and maybe it's because I don't want to. I don't call people back. I am terrible at communication. I am awful at saying no to people; instead, I just say nothing and hope things will work themselves out. Bad decision. I am no good at fulfilling the obligations that I have to fulfill in order to maintain the friendships that I have formed. I want to, but I don't. I don't understand why, but that is no excuse at all. Some people forgive me over and over, others give me a few chances, and still others give up. And I don't blame them. I do want to be happy--whatever that means--but I seem to be the one person who stands in the way of my achievement of that all-encompassing word. I could apologize all day, because I truly am sorry, but I feel like that's all I ever do. And maybe I do not deserve forgiveness yet.

Ugh, and I utterly despise being emo, or whatever you want to call it, but sometimes one just cannot help it, you know?

And all I really want right now is a fucking cigarette, and I can't even have that. Goddamn you, cancer! Goddamn you.
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