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22nd November 2009

11:14pm: swimming field
Lately I cannot stop listening to Bibio, Atlas Sound and Memory Tapes. They've been in constant rotation for about a week at this point and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I'd been craving full albums to listen to, and suddenly three of them have come out of the woodwork. The vibe has been mellow and occasionally joyous, which is a relief after months of music with a decidedly sarcastic, melancholy tone.

Tomorrow begins a crazy week. Whole house has to be cleaned in preparation for the arrival of my grandmother, mother and uncle for the weekend. This is going to be the most interesting Thanksgiving dinner--Abby and I are having five guests over, meaning seven people in all. My favorite meal of the year will be spent with (some of) my family for the first time in four years. I'm simultaneously excited and indescribably anxious. Here we go. :)

18th November 2009

12:23am: I met a painfully beautiful girl this evening. I couldn't stop staring at her--dark hair, blue eyes, a lightly olive complexion and an unquestionable understanding of her own physical force, power. She made my insides turn in a little...I'd forgotten what that felt like. It's strange how you miss so much when you're wrapped up in yourself and others. Once I get past all the bullshit that is work--that is, that's what's bringing me down at this point--I hope to be able to actually tell one of them how I feel. Having nothing to lose can be extraordinarily exhilarating sometimes.

Work has become a strange source of unending, unnerving anxiety at this point. But at least it's made me appreciate what I have that's outside of 5PM. I can't ask for much more than that. And I'm still so excited to be living in Philly...this city never ceases to make me feel welcome, wanted, loved and happy. And my cabbie this evening, Ahmed, reinforced that love. Sometimes I just want to be swallowed up by it...but then I can contrast it with my intense desire for space, for breathing room, for the sense of actually being alone. So rare nowadays.

12th November 2009

10:38pm: I love chocolate, and I love to smoke cigarettes
I firmly believe that chocolate and Coke Icees are the keys to happiness. I swear it's impossible to feel unhappy while consuming either, but I do especially enjoy the perfect sweetness of the Coke syrup with the contrasting harsh cold of the slushed ice. I wonder if that's because I drink them far less often than I savor the delicious flavor of chocolate in any form.

16th October 2009

6:52pm: If only I weren't a nice person
All I really want to do is punch you in your fucking face. Here's to hoping someone does it for me.

24th February 2008

12:59pm: I must take a break from my half-assed paper writing to say that

a) The Modeselektor album Happy Birthday! is excellent. I am kind of addicted to it at the moment.

b) I saw the Magnetic Fields on Thursday night in NYC and it was incredible. He played "I Don't Believe You," "The Book of Love," "California Girls," "Only Time," "No One Will Ever Love You," "The Abandoned Castle of My Soul," "Zombie Boy" and those are all I'm capable of remembering at the moment. The set was 1.5 hours and he was just as I imagined him to be. It was the first concert I've been to that I was not ready to end when the time came.

c) I need to be further in my thesis research. Sigh.

12th February 2008

5:29pm: Is it really only Tuesday?
So today I was incredibly productive. I cleaned and organized my clothing-and-bug-corpse-covered room, I returned almost 40 books to the library, I returned Eraserhead and Chocolat to TLA and paid my $22 fine (...wow I'm damn good at wasting money), and I wrote an updated bibliography for my thesis. All in all, I'd say it was a successful day. Now I just need to actually study for Latin, because I made a horrible grade on yesterday's quiz--all because I'm a lazy ass and the only time I ever crack open the book now is right before/when I'm in class.

Currently reading J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories (he was one unhappy dude) and flipping back and forth between Tank Girl and The Five Fists of Science comics. Still waiting impatiently for my gajillion books to arrive.

The weather is horrifically yucky. It snowed for most of today, but then it turn into a "wintry mix" which is bullshit talk for "itty bitty melty hail that makes everything slippery." Its only redeeming quality is the faint clicky sound it makes as it hits the ground, and that does not make up for me being trapped on campus.

I want coffee and I must find entertainment.

8th February 2008

1:34pm: My roots are strong and deep
So damnit I got an email from Barnes and Noble offering me 25% off of a book purchase, so I decided I wanted to browse the site and see what they had, etc.

The browsing prompted me to look for some used and out-of-print books I've been planning to purchase for a long time, and this process in turn led me to renew my interest in tracking down some first editions of the Nancy Drew books I read avidly as a child.

So, I bought (presumed) first editions of

and

(minus dust jackets) and I want this so badly I can taste it (including the original Russell Tandy dust jacket in good condition--holy shit!!!)

Sigh. I am a fucking sucker for old books DAMNIT. I am also going to purchase an out-of-print biography on Longfellow by Newton Arvin, a former Smith professor who died in 1963, a couple years after his home was raided by the police because he was gay...anyway his writing style is phenomenal and the book got excellent reviews in its time. So WOOHOO I'm excited about that.

In other news, I finished Snow Crash Wednesday evening and I flew through the first 3 installments of Lone Wolf and Cub. I am itching for reading (apparently I am craving media in general...), and I think I'm going to read Cryptonomicon next.

Oh oh oh and I saw Taxi Driver last weekend (wow...so good) and I plan to see Goodfellas sometime in the next week.

Other than that, I've been spending a lot of time to myself and I fucking love it. I had forgotten what it was like to spend time in silence or with music, and it's pretty incredible. I've also seen a lot of people recently with whom I hadn't hung out in god knows how long. It's nice to catch up with people.

Alrighty well. Going to distract myself elsewhere while I wait impatiently for my books to get here!!!!!!!!!

28th January 2008

8:50pm: It's like learning a new language
Rented two David Lynch films from TLA today (Eraserhead and Inland Empire)(thank you Chad). Looking forward to increasing my exposure to good cinema. I think my next rentals will be Scorsese films because I kinda feel like I'm missing out on something by only having seen Gangs of New York.

Today I sent out a lot of emails that I'd been putting off. And I spent a significant amount of QT with myself. I even spent my shift in special collections alone and silent in the A-cage in the basement of Canaday. It just might be my favorite place on campus; it's completely surrounded by a floor-to-ceiling painted [beige] chain-link fence [hence, "A-cage"], so I've 50 or 60 square feet to myself, but it's filled with stacks of old books that smell sweet and dusty, as well as thousands of random knickknacks left by crazy old Bryn Mawr alums/professors/donors. I was surprisingly entertained in spite of the fact that I had no music and the computer down there is so old that it can't connect to the Bryn Mawr server anymore.

I've done a lot of thinking. I definitely feel more clear-headed than I have in the past few weeks. As of late I've just been wandering around in a self-possessed, self-pitying stupor. I think the fog has lifted for the time being, which has inspired some relief, as well as some calm, in me.

I smell food and I should probably eat.
Current Mood: smelly

9th January 2008

12:12pm: Going to see There Will Be Blood today (Matt, I'll let you know what I think :) ) in the city. I'm excited because I rarely see films in the theater (although I did see Walk Hard on Christmas day), and I actually have to take a train to get to the closest place that's screening it. I hope to spend a lot more time in the city this semester, since it will be my last real opportunity to just wander around and to get to know the streets and coffee shops, etc.

Got my grades back and I definitely did not do as well as my conscience will allow, although I wasn't surprised by anything, which I suppose is better than bad grades coming out of left field. I'm expecting to perform better this spring, since I am usually more motivated in the second semester.

I have also resolved to be more honest with myself and others this year. I made several notable mistakes last year that could have been avoided if I had just taken a step back, considered what I was getting into and been realistic about my expectations of myself. I could have avoided a lot of pain and guilt on my behalf and on behalf of others. I suppose it takes fucking up a lot to spur change.

Alrighty, onward and upward.
Current Mood: optimistic

8th January 2008

1:13pm: I am in a conundrum.

Last night was most excellent. It felt so good to get out and do something. I got to wander around Philly, drink great coffee, talk a lot (as I am wont to do), and then watch hours and hours of Arrested Development, the Office and Venture Bros in good company.

I love Philadelphia.

I am also in love with this Burial album. I cannot stop listening to it.
Current Mood: ponderous

6th August 2007

10:52pm: I love Big Love. It is a brilliant show.

Back from France, glad to be home, damn it is weird not having a job...

13th June 2007

4:15pm: So I just blew $8 on the world's slowest wireless internet (STUPID AIRPORTS!), so I figure I will make good use of my time, and update.

Currently sitting in JFK, waiting for my 6:25 to London. It's weeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.

Saw Roger Waters live. Best show I've ever been to in my whole life. Wish it were twenty years ago and I could have seen the real Pink Floyd. Ah well.

Beth got back on Monday. We have somehow managed to cram a lot of the highlights of last summer into 2 days. I must say, I'm pretty impressed with us.

I feel relieved today. It's the first in a while that I can just sit back and, literally, enjoy the ride. It's not that I have nothing that I really should be doing; rather it's more like I have an excuse to put those things to the wayside until I get settled in Avignon. So take THAT, Stress and Guilt! I have temporarily restricted you from getting the better of me!

Man I just realized I have very little to say. I'm going to try to come home to SC at the end of August, but that depends on whether or not I deplete my funds during my trip to Baltimore, and possibly LA, if they accept my proposal and manuscript list.

I just finished Ham on Rye. It's the only for-pleasure book I put in my carry-on bag, and I can't decide whether or not that was a good decision...

GRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

7th June 2007

12:08am: I am having trouble keeping it together.

17th May 2007

12:54pm: Brief break from papering before my fucking head explodes.

First of all CARO YOU'RE HOME YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! I got your message yesterday, and I'm finishing exams (obviously, I suppose), so I'll call you when everything settles this weekend.

Secondly, I keep putting off a three-hour exam because it's going to suck and because I have been working on the same fucking paper for four days. Recently, writing papers has felt like a bad case of stomach flu; I keep vomiting and vomiting and I'm still not done yet. I have a fifteen-pager after this ten-pager I'm working on, and I still have that three-hour exam. I don't know what's happened to my brain (or maybe I do), but I just can't pop papers out like I used to. And I'm SO. FUCKING. BURNT OUT. And I still have summer and a whole year to go. I'm just ready. Goddamnit!

So I'm pushing back the exam I was originally going to take yesterday at 2, and then decided to take today at 9:30 (and then again today at 2) to 7 this evening. I just want this paper to be OVER! I am so frustrated. And then tomorrow, after everything's finished and turned in by 12:30 PM, I have work at Wyndham at 2. And then again on Saturday morning. And then again on Sunday. Woe is me, people. I'm hoping that if I get all my whiney out on here, I won't be whiney in person, which is a plus, right?

Ugh.

8th May 2007

10:18am: So instead of working on my paper...
I'm going to make a post woohoo.

So, summer plans. I have a paper due today. I have two papers due next Friday, and sometime between now and noon on the 18th, I have to take a self-scheduled French exam.

Starting Friday, May 18, until Wednesday, June 13, I will be working at Wyndham on campus, like I did last summer. Since I finally heard back today from the Free Library in Philly, I will be spending significant amounts of time there and in the Special Collections section of Canaday Library here at Bryn Mawr, poring over medieval French and Northern European books of hours...praying I find something that will help me with the thesis whose topic I haven't even discovered yet.

On June 13th, I'll fly out of NYC in the evening and travel overnight to Paris, where I will almost immediately catch a train to take me 400 miles to Avignon, where I will spend 6 weeks living in an apartment with my friend Lauren and taking two classes (one on art in Provence and the other on contemporary French political/social culture), and hopefully becoming (almost) fluent in French.

I will return to the States at 2:30 PM on July 29, where I will most likely spend two weeks in NYC looking at more old books with pretty pictures. Then I will spend a week in LA at the Getty Museum; I hope to visit some graduate schools while I'm there.

I spilled coffee on my brand new laptop last night. I have owned a laptop for over three years now, and never once have I spilled liquid on it. I buy a brand new one, and I fuck it up within the first month. I broke my keyboard. It's awful.

Sigh. Back to paper writing.

29th April 2007

5:30pm: The Passion of Joan of Arc is one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen. I just spent an hour and a half wiping away tears. Wow.

11th April 2007

10:52pm: To all you haters out there (literally)...
This just in: Men do not choose to be gay.

WHOA. Concept.

However, sexuality is fluid in ladies. :)

Short update. I got enough money to go to Avignon so YAY! That means I'll be in Philly until June 14, I'll be in France from June 14 - July 29, and then I'll be all over the place for the last month of break. I am currently in the Lusty Cup, and I should be working but instead I'm updating. Mmhmm.

I have watched several episodes of South Park in the past few days, and I have discovered that the show is truly genius, even if it is incredibly painful to watch.

For the first time in weeks, I do not feel guilty about anything. As of late, I have been motivated primarily by guilt--it's how I get my work done, and the reason I feel like every bad thing that happens is the end of the world--and for the first time in a while, I feel generally contented (in spite of the fact that I have a thousand things to do and I have done nothing this evening...).

So la-di-da. I'm going to pretend to work now.

6th April 2007

11:04am: I'm a little disturbed, to say the least
U.S. protects Iranian opposition group in Iraq

I would just like to note that last night, somewhere between 11 PM and 1 AM EST, this article was the main headline on the front page of CNN.com.

This morning, when I looked for it, not only was it no longer on the front page, but I had to search Google in order to find it. It turns out that the article was hidden in the World section of CNN.com, and it has now been relegated to a tiny headline entitled "US protects Iran militants" in the top right-hand corner of the page.

My stomach is kind of queasy, and I'm truly sickened. It's a good thing I happened to check the CNN front page last night during the critical window of time when this extremely frightening 'discovery' was published where people could actually find it.

PS-I can't find any mention of this situation on the BBC, which makes me sad.

**Edit**

Dick Cheney on Nancy Pelosi's "bad behavior" in Syria

Just to emphasize my disquiet:

(from the above article)

Rush Limbaugh: Well, how much damage has she done by conveying to Assad that Israel is ready for peace talks when Israel is not ready for peace talks, as Syria is currently constituted?

Dick Cheney: Well, I think it clearly stimulated a reaction out of the Israelis. Prime Minister Olmert immediately made it clear that she was not authorized to make any such offer to Bashar Assad. Among other things, of course,
the Syrians have not renounced their support for terror. The major terrorist organizations that are dedicated to the destruction of Israel, such as Hamas, are headquartered in Damascus, Syria.

It was a non-statement, nonsensical statement and didn’t make any sense at all that she would suggest that those talks could go forward as long as
the Syrians conducted themselves as a prime state sponsor of terror.

Can the pot and the kettle be any blacker? I mean, I know that everyone is a hypocrite sometimes, but aren't we supposed to, like, at least TRY to set a good example? Maybe? Because I feel like it's much easier, and obviously more justified, to condemn a country for harboring terrorist organizations when we ourselves do not support/protect any of them.

If someone can explain the logic of this contradiction, by all means, please please do. Because I'm really at a loss here.
Current Mood: sad

28th March 2007

1:02pm: nobody wants you when you're a circus clown.
There was one long-stemmed yellow daffodil on my doorknob when I got home at two o'clock this morning.

I've asked everyone, including my mother, and no one knows from whence it came.

I'm very curious, I must admit.

27th March 2007

11:33am: Maybe I'm updating... because it's 75 degrees and beautiful outside!
So I officially cut my Haffner hours in half just now. Whereas every Monday through Thursday since January 21 I have been at work from 10 AM-12:30 PM, starting today I will no longer work on Tuesdays, and when I find a replacement for me on Thursdays, only my Monday and Friday shifts will remain. And I'm only going to babysit a couple of days per week now. I think I can almost heave a big sigh of relief.

I burnt out. Up until this moment, I regularly worked between 35-40 hours per week, including class time. I had no free time whatsoever. I worked too much before break, I freaked out over break, and then I came back with zero work ethic. I sure do wish I could find a happy median between motivation--nay, determination!--and laziness. Alas, I'm still working on it.

So, I plan to update more in the upcoming weeks, because I think it will be good for me to get my thoughts down, and I want to keep track of my summer plans as they develop.

Thus far, I have $3600 to offset travel costs and miscellaneous expenses for summer thesis research. I have to figure out how to work NYC, LA, Baltimore, and Philly into my travels over an 8-week period, and without going over my $3600 limit (I refuse to go into debt just so I can write a decent 40-page paper). I have to write the curators at the Getty, Huntington Library, Pierpont Morgan Library, Special Collections at the Cloisters and the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Free Library, and the Walters Art Gallery in Baltimore so I can beg them all to let me see pretty things. I have to figure out how I'm going to afford to study in Avignon in between these trips. I have a meeting in 1.3 hours with the professor who will supervise my thesis research, so hopefully at least a few issues will be cleared up.

I also let the ball drop at the radio station this semester, and now I have some pieces I need to pick up, and some confidence that I need to win back. I want the radio station to run smoothly next semester. I'm so worried because we've all just kind of let it go this year, and I'm afraid it will die if we don't drum up enough participation next year. Several board members are graduating this year, and next year over half of the board members will graduate. We need frosh! And sophomores and juniors! Oh, I hope we can make it work.

I got a new laptop, finally. I'm using it right now. It doesn't have Office on it yet, but it has a pretty screen and lots of interesting features on it. It's a Thinkpad Widescreen T60; I wanted something that will last me for four years, and I think this one's the one. So yay.

Basically I'm putting off calling my grandparents at this point. So yes. Yay for updates.

Why is gmail being so fucking slow...?

9th March 2007

9:10pm: I care because, well, I care because you do.
Distracted. Trying to write a paper on an 18th-century French prostitute. Need break to get here, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards.

I'm so tired. I need to relax, and I feel like all I have to await me this spring break are obligations. I have to read two books, write one paper, and finish two scholarship applications. DAMN YOU, school. DAMN YOU.

Going to NYC this weekend to see fun things with Bethtar. Hopefully I'll get to visit Columbia to see if it would be a fit for grad school.

Buying a new laptop and an external HD on Monday. My old one has become a dinosaur. :( He will still be useful, though, as a storage unit for music and movies.

I got $3600 for summer research, so that's a yay.

Work time. Maybe I'll update again when I need another break.

3rd March 2007

11:20am: I have decided that today is officially the best day ever.

I slept past 9 AM for the first time in like a month.

I woke up to one of my best friends bringing me a small skim Milkboy latte.

My grant interview is over, and now all I have to do is wait for their decision (RELIEF).

It's sunny and currently 54 degrees outside. A marvelously beautifully warm day.

And finally, I put on FLIPFLOPS for the first time in at least three months today. I missed my flipflops so much.

This day can only be more awesome from here.

SHOWER!

13th February 2007

7:44pm: All I have to say is
Roger Waters live. Will perform Dark Side of the Moon in its entirety. June 1, Tweeter Center, Camden, NJ. Want to come? Let me know ASAP. I am not missing the chance to see a god.

25th January 2007

2:32pm: I want it to SNOW!!!!!! (and to stick to the ground...and being in Britain would be nice too...)

8th January 2007

11:50pm: and the truth is
that I really, truly, and utterly cannot stand myself. There is so much hatred inside me, and it is for only me. I have hurt several people, however unintentionally, and for my own selfish reasons.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself, and maybe it's because I don't want to. I don't call people back. I am terrible at communication. I am awful at saying no to people; instead, I just say nothing and hope things will work themselves out. Bad decision. I am no good at fulfilling the obligations that I have to fulfill in order to maintain the friendships that I have formed. I want to, but I don't. I don't understand why, but that is no excuse at all. Some people forgive me over and over, others give me a few chances, and still others give up. And I don't blame them. I do want to be happy--whatever that means--but I seem to be the one person who stands in the way of my achievement of that all-encompassing word. I could apologize all day, because I truly am sorry, but I feel like that's all I ever do. And maybe I do not deserve forgiveness yet.

Ugh, and I utterly despise being emo, or whatever you want to call it, but sometimes one just cannot help it, you know?

And all I really want right now is a fucking cigarette, and I can't even have that. Goddamn you, cancer! Goddamn you.
Current Mood: I just lost the Game.
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